The Biggest Shit I've Ever Seen
A true story about plumbing in jail (and how it was defeated)
One of my first cellies was a kid named Saget. He was 19 and he’d already been in and out of juvie and jail several times for drug and theft charges. Despite our differences in background, we got off on a good foot — the first subject we came together on was the bible.
“They can’t take your bible from you, even if you go to the hole,” he told me. “Always keep a few stamps hidden in there, and maybe an envelope. That way you can at least write your people when you go in so they don’t worry.”
The day I moved into the cell with him he started telling me the rules.
“The first rule is that you spit your toothpaste in the toilet, not in the sink,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you wanna keep the sink clean,” he replied.
I thought this was just one of his weird quirks, but I came to learn that this is a pretty universal rule in jails and prisons. The idea is that you never know when you’re going on lockdown for an extended period of time.1 In those situations you want the option to cook food or do laundry using the hot water in a spit-free sink. Although in my 4 year bid I never saw someone use a sink for anything other than hand washing, but I did see someone do his laundry in a toilet.
“The second rule is that if you have to shit in the cell, you put some water on it. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He sat on the toilet (pants still on) and ripped a long, loud fart while holding down the flush button.
“That would’ve made you gag, but these toilets can suck down a whole bed sheet, so you won’t smell a thing. You’re welcome,” he said.
My previous celly had actually shown me firsthand how powerful the toilets were. His name was Bordo, and true to his name, he was the bored and destructive type. He wanted to test the theory that they can suck down a whole sheet. So he tore off a 6-inch square from the corner of his sheet and moved toward the toilet.
“Dude, you better not flood the cell,” I said to him.
“Don’t worry man, come watch this.” I watched with him as the small square disappeared into the void and the toilet continued blasting water down the chute for another 10 seconds afterwards.
“Oh yea! We can go bigger,” he said.
“So, what, you’re just gonna sleep on that vinyl mattress pad without a sheet?”
“Naw man, they’ll give me another one,” he said as I looked at him in disbelief.
He continued tearing off bigger and bigger pieces and flushing them one at a time until the last remaining bit was practically half a sheet.
“You ready?” he asked.
“I got nothin’ to do with this man, this is all you,” I said while returning to the dry safety of my top bunk.
He held the sheet up high above the toilet, letting the edge of it hover just above the water while he held down the flush button. He gave me a meaningful look before he let it go and sent it on its way.
10 minutes later when the CO was doing another round he shouted through the door.
“Hey, I need a sheet.”
“We just gave you a set of sheets,” she said.
“No, I just got the one, see,” and he held up his one remaining folded sheet to the window for her to see.
“Alright, sit tight,” she said. And a new sheet showed up at the cell door a few hours later.
I guess that’s one way to do laundry in a toilet.
A few weeks after Saget showed me the etiquette of the sinks and the toilets he turned into a downright disrespectful asshole.
It was mid-morning when a lockdown was called. Most people slept through the morning rec period and it was typically a peaceful time of day. I was in the cell reading when Saget backed into it while shouting at other people across the pod — shattering the silence.
“Dude, read the room,” I said.
He turned and gave me an aggressive look, “what did you just say to me?”
“I said it was peaceful in here until you came in yelling and screaming.”
He snapped and got in my face. “Man fuck you! You think you can talk to me like that? You don't know shit about respect in here!”
His voice was rising, and the vein in his forehead bulged as he continued. “I've been locked up longer than you’ve been walking around free, and you think you’re gonna lecture me? I don’t owe you a damn thing! You ain't nobody in here!"
He jabbed a finger toward my chest. “You won't last a day in prison.”
I wanted to punch him right in the face, but he was a scrawny dude and I was afraid I would seriously hurt him, maybe even kill him. I had just heard a story the day before about a guy who punched another guy in the face and accidentally killed him.
But I was mad and wanted him to shut up, so I grabbed him by the throat instead and shoved him into the wall. His face turned bright red and he was silenced immediately. I held him there for a second before letting him go.
It didn’t work. Instead of shutting him up, he went straight to the door of the cell and started banging on it.
“CO, this guy just attacked me! Help!”
I knew I fucked up, but the desire to hit him did not get any weaker. The only thing that held me back this time was the fear of getting hit with pepper spray in retaliation.
The COs came up to the door moments later and looked in the cell carefully before taking any action. They saw a hysterical Saget standing by the door yelling and screaming and a calm, but angry, me sitting in a chair at the back of the cell.
They opened the door and led us into separate areas of the pod.
“Dude, tell me what happened,” the CO asked. He was one of the trustworthy COs. He knew right from wrong and wasn’t a stickler for the rules. But a fight had just been called in over the radio so his hands were tied.
I recapped the scene for him and he stepped away for a moment. When he came back he said, “Saget said you threatened to kill him. Is that true?”
“What?” I was shocked. “No. Dude is crazy.”
“I know man,” he said, “he has gambling debts and he’s just tryin to get moved to a different pod. You fell right into his trap. You didn’t do nothin’ wrong man, but the captain says I gotta take you outta here.”
90 other inmates watched through the windows of their cell doors as I was put into handcuffs and led out of the pod. A few of the shouts I remember hearing were:
“Man, fuck that little bitch Saget.”
And:
“Ey CO! You’re taking out the wrong dude!”
They thought I was a hero. I thought I was a sucker.
Saget’s bible tip was a damn good tip it turns out, but I didn’t quite get it right. I kept all my stamps inside the envelope in my bible. And when I was taken to the hole they took out the envelope before handing over my bible. The only way I could get more stamps was to buy them off commissary…. 10 days later.
I got that peace and quiet I was fighting for, but my veins were full of adrenaline and I had no outlet for it. All I could do was pace back and forth for a while — 3 steps at a time — until my heart rate returned to normal. I felt better when I learned that I was given 7 days in the hole but Saget was given 14.
I took a piss and tried to flush the toilet but… it wouldn’t flush. I was confused. I had to yell out the door to get another person in the hole to help me out.
“What?” he shouted. “You gotta yell into the crack of the door, otherwise I can’t hear you.”
I had been yelling at the top of my lungs at the door window but he couldn’t make out my words. I could hear him loud and clear though. It was surprising how much of a difference it made to move my head 2 feet to the left and shout into the crack.
“How do I flush the toilet?” I shouted.
“You gotta wait til the CO does his rounds and then you can ask him to flush it for you,” the kind stranger told me. “Just put a towel over the toilet to keep the smell in."
In an effort to prevent troublemakers from purposely flooding their cells and the entire hole, the toilets were flushed by the COs from the pipe chase. They would also shut off the toilets before a lockdown to prevent inmates from flushing any contraband.
Several months later I was in phase 3 of the jail2 when someone shouted, “god damn, come look at this!” to no one in particular. Every cell in the pod had its own toilet, but there were also 4 community toilets in this pod. 2 on the bottom tier in the corners of the room and 2 on the top tier just above. A curtain separated them from the rest of the pod. This shout came from one of the community toilets on the top tier.
I was personally not too keen on investigating anything exciting in the community toilet. But Cornwhistle3 heeded the call before repeating it, “holy shit, ya’ll have got to see this.”
This time a CO answered the call and came to investigate. His reaction was to get on the radio and call more officers into the pod. Moments later, a group of 5 COs entered the pod, walked up the stairs, and stepped into the community toilet area.
“Jesus Christ that thing’s the size of a softball!”
“How the fuck did that come out of someone?”
“That’s a dope turd!”
“Dude must’ve been backed up for weeks.”
“Will it even go down?”
**toilet flushes**
“No! Holy shit, I’ve never seen something conquer one of these toilets.”
“Who did this? Was it you?”
Nobody ever admitted to it.
Lol this is a typical "and then everyone cheered for me" phoney story. Dude trying to make himself sound as tough as possible, even saying his cell mate yelled for the CO for help lol, yeah okay...